Bottling

daisy

There is a time and there is a place for sharing your feelings. For example, maybe you shouldn’t share your feelings when your mom is stress, and you want to tell her you feel like she’s treating you like shit. In that case, she’s just going to get more mad and completely disregard what you’re saying. Or you shouldn’t share your feelings that you hate how your boyfriend eats in front of his family at the dinner table. That’s just a big NO.

So when is the right time?

I guess theres no actual feasible place in time that says “Here!!! This is the best time to tell [insert person here] how you feel!”. It’s either you have the knack for right timing or you don’t. Bottling happens in all types of relationships -family relationships, friendships, and intimate relationships. And sometimes, expressing how you feel to one can be much easier than it is to the other. For me, it’s all that I have trouble expressing how I feel, so I just bottle it in. Until now. This blog is what helps me from letting it all out, even though it’s not to the person I want to say it to.

If you read my welcome post, I said that I want to publish a book someday, so this blog will hopefully help me with my writing; this is one of those posts.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now, dating for almost two, been friends for about four, and known each other for about fourteen. He’s my first boyfriend, first everything (yes, even kiss), so it’s safe to say I literally have no idea how relationships should or shouldn’t work. But I think I have a little idea of how it shouldn’t.
My idea is this; if you have a significant other, while at this age they shouldn’t be your first priority, they should still be one. That means making time, and managing it with all the crazy bullshit you have going on -work, school, extra curriculars, but, in my case, gaming is thrown in the mix. He wants to be in YouTube, which is great. Great ambition, difficult goal, but could be achievable if you start now. He’s recently got the set up; PC tower, four screens, insanely expensive mic (with a hover stand), a webcam, editing programs, etc. And the problem is not him, but me. I’ve supported him through it all without even thinking about myself. Now, his idea of spending time with me is this; me driving there (we live about 20-30 minutes away), bringing my laptop or a book, and hanging out there while he plays. And you know what, it is nice, to have a lazy day and do that, but it’s also not enough. What makes it not enough is that I have to initiate more than 50% of the time we spend together. He doesn’t like driving 30 minutes to see me, he doesn’t care to go out and spend too much money (money he can spend for gaming), he doesn’t like staying up late because he needs sleep, he doesn’t care the amount of time we spend apart. I get it, spending time apart is healthy and stuff, but if I don’t ever ask to hang out, he can go weeks without seeing me at this point.
So my problem is, is it even worth staying? Worth, supporting this when I, in the end get no consideration in this relationship. My idea of a relationship is effort, from both ends, and not one. I have time and time again, supported his goals -thinking of ideas, going over there to do something I can easily do at my house, is it all worth it. I am constantly feeling almost last when it comes to him prioritizing things. And what gets me the most is that, when he’s with his friends, it’s like all the things that he doesn’t try to do with me, he does with them. He will drive 20-30 minutes to see them and hang out, and make a video, when I basically have to beg and bribe him to come visit me. He can stay up till 3:00 am overtime he has work at 7:00 am the next day, but he can’t stay up till 11:00pm with me because he needs to “rest up for work”.
Am I blinded by my feelings? Am I putting him before me? Maybe, but it has to stop, and I know this. But the problem is, I can never find the right time to share my feelings. Over text is awful, in person, he’s always swept up thinking or doing something else. And what do I say with out sounding needy?

Bottling is something I need to overcome, as I’ve been doing to for so many years now. And a great way to overcome it is starting a blog. This blog has helped me in so many ways these past few weeks, just helping me get my mind off things. Expressing how I feel when I cannot in person. Providing tips and advice and book reviews, all of it helps. So if you’re a bottler like me, hopefully you can find something to do to express how you feel. A therapist, plate smashing, painting, writing, blogging, you name it. Thanks ya’ll for listening and hopefully you’ll visit my blog again soon. (:

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