Knowing You’re Worth

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It’s important to know what you’re worth. And no, it’s not some conceited thing that you’re worth so much to one person because of how much to own, or what you give them. It’s knowing your worth for the genuine efforts you do, that don’t benefit just you. It’s doing the things for other people that make them happy, and the only reward you get from it is being happy that they are.

Now, that doesn’t mean you have to subject yourself from leaving behind your own source of happiness. I’m not saying you deserve something after you do a good deed, but you should receive some kind of reciprocation from that person. And it should be out of the kindness of their heart. And if they don’t give that to you they don’t deserve you, and you most certainly don’t deserve to be treated that way. You’re efforts should always be acknowledge with gratitude. And sometimes acknowledgment and gratitude is the best reward. A  simple thank you, goes a long way. This is coming from the bottom of my heart, which has recently been shattered the past few days. My boyfriend of a year (a year and four months exactly) had broken up with me, unexpectedly. We were having problems, a lot of problems -but I believe we could have worked through them, because I have our whole relationship. I’ve been consciously taking care of our relationship, doing things, big and little to make our relationship work, and I got left behind by him. I don’t know if he realized the little things I have done, and if he does then that’s just straight up fucked up. But if he didn’t then I understand. I had done so much for him, for us, to make our relationship work. And I sincerely believe he did too, in some ways. I won’t get into detail of what I did for him, and what he did for me, but I will say that it worked for most of the time. He left me because he couldn’t balance me in his life, which I believe, but I also think is an absolute bullshit reason to leave a person that you’ve been with for awhile. And for someone to do it so suddenly, so carelessly, is appalling. You don’t go through with all that effort, and heartache, only to resort to breaking up. Even if you still love the person. I truly believe in working things out. Now were we meant to last forever? No, I highly doubt it, but I do believe we were meant for each other at this point in life, I “needed” (I use that loosely) someone to just make me happy (-ier?), yes you should be happy without another person. But what I mean is make me happy in the sense of why anyone ever has a significant other, it makes them happy to share their life with them, to have a person they can go to with no judgement, a person the can love unconditionally and receive back, hell a person to have sex with and be naked with and them not caring how your body looks. If you think I’m wrong, I think maybe you haven’t experienced that kind of love yet. Because while yes, you don’t need to have a significant other to feel this way, it feels pretty damn good to have one. Bottom line is, no one wants to be alone. No one, and if you do it’s really sad, and you’ll realize that when you’re older. However, is it okay to be alone when you’re a teen- to early 20s? Yes. It is, because at that age you’re still growing up, you’re still finding yourself, and finding who you are. I know I’ll get through this, and I’ve heard breaking up is hard. It’s taking a real toll on me right now. I feel so vulnerable, I’m crying so much, I do stuff to distract me, which makes me okay for a little while, and then I end up breaking down again. I’m hurt, I genuinely feel like I’ve been destroyed. But then I realized the I didn’t deserve this, I didn’t deserve to be left for all the things i’ve done for him (I’m really not exaggerating right now it’s so crazy). And once I realized that, at 4:00 am on March 6, a Sunday night, I feel a lot better. I feel better knowing what I am worth, what my efforts are worth, and that I don’t “need” him. Will it take me a while to get over? Yes, oh my god yes. My heart breaks everytime something happens, and I want to text and him tell him. My heart breaks everytime I think that’ll I’ll see him later this week, or that I’ll text him good morning when I arrive to school at 6:00 am. My heart breaks everytime I think that I’ll sleepover again this upcoming weekend, like I do every weekend. This is going to be really hard for me, since my life has been a routine for the past year and half that always included him in it. I’ll try and be okay, I’ll cry a little more, and I think I’ll hurt for a very long time. But now I know what I am worth, and what I deserve, and to be honest realizing this has made me feel, even the tiniest bit better.

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