It definitely feels like it’s been weeks rather than three days. It’s hard to lose someone who was your best friend, and it’s even harder when it happens twice.
The first time was not too long ago, with my girl best friend, she left me because I had a boyfriend. She couldn’t handle me being happy, and me not dedicating allotted friend time to her because I was so focused on him. But now I understand her, and I’m mad at myself for letting her go for almost a year. She was hurting too, she had just lost a boy she loved, and I wasn’t there because I was so happily in love in my relationship. I was so mad at her for not supporting me, for not being there, for not being happy for me because I was happy. And my boyfriend told me I’d deserve better, that I had a big heart, and I would overcome her, and realize that I’ll be okay.
And then this happens.
He knew how I felt about having people leave me, it took a toll on my heart each time someone has left my life; my old friend Rachel from middle school, my old friend Taylor who left me to be popular in high school, the friend I just mentioned –Minami, which was probably the hardest. My dad, even, left me, we had a bad relationship, so I kind of just cut him out of my life, and that was sad. But I was okay, no daddy issues, because he wasn’t really a dad to begin with. And now he left me, and I know it was because he needed to find himself, but sometimes I feel like it would’ve been easier if he was just mean about it.
I really do. I wouldn’t be so hung up on his redeeming qualities, I wouldn’t have understood why he fell out of love, but it would have hurt more and made me not overthink the things I do now. I feel like I’m sitting there, knowing he’s still loves me, but is doing okay without because I wasn’t that important for him to keep. And you know maybe it was an excuse now. An excuse to let him do whatever he wanted, to be selfish and not have to consider another person. Which I understand too, because we’re still so young, and we shouldn’t have to be responsible for another person’s feelings. But it’s still fucked up. I’m not writing this to bash on him for what he did, not at all, I’m just expressing my pain, and how I’m getting through it, and one of that ways I am is writing.
So I’ve been talking to people. I’ve rekindled my relationship with Minami, spoke to my mom, I’ve had a lot of people surround me with support. My conversation with Minami made me genuinely laugh and smile, something I feel like I haven’t done in ages. Chris, my other best friend -a mutual best friend with my ex, is there for me whenever I need it. Which is amazingly kind of him. And shockingly, break up videos help. The help a whole lot, listening to other girls go through the same thing I have, experience the same feelings I’ve been feeling, is really reassuring. Music, I had a corny jam sesh in my car on my home from school to break-up songs, empowering ‘I’m over you’ songs, and good ol’ love songs -which was actually fun. I talked to a friend who didn’t really know our relationship, but provided some insight that helped me too.
So I guess in this process, I realized I have had friends all this time, but I was so focused on my ex, that I never reached out and realized the full potential of each friendship I had. So I’m doing okay, it’ll take a lot o time to heal, a lot more tears are going to be shed, but now I know what I deserved from him, what I’m worth, and what a deserve from life. I learned that I should be selfish, because that’s something I wasn’t in our relationship -I wasn’t completely passive, but I sure as hell wasn’t aggressive. And who knows, if I was he probably would’ve ended it sooner, because he was being selfish too. The more I think, the more I realize it was an excuse, an excuse to get out of the relationship, to be selfish, but at the same time I believe him. I know he can’t balance a lot of things, he wasn’t a multitasker, he had a passion, and he had fear. Those three things led to the downfall of our relationship -and I’m coming to terms with that. Anyways, I just needed to vent, to write, to say something and to let someone out there know that I’m struggling, but I’m also coping.
Corny Car Jam Sesh Playlist
“Summer Girl” – Leighton Meester
“A Little Bit Stronger” – Leighton Meester
“Words I Couldn’t Say” – Leighton Meester
“Really Don’t Care” – Demi Lovato ft. Cher Lloyd
“The Night Is Still Young” – Nicki Minaj
“Bed of Lies” – Nicki Minaj ft. Skylark Grey
“Gone, Gone, Gone” – Phillips Phillips
“I Want You to Know” – Selena Gomez
“It Ain’t Me” – Kygo ft. Selena Gomez
“Hit the Lights” – Selena Gomez
Feel- Good Movie
“Begin Again” with Keira Knightly, Mark Ruffalo, James Corden, and Adam Levine -A review will be up soon 🙂
Choice Youtube Video
Cat Harmon- The Breakup: 1 Year Later https://youtu.be/VWbrc7hxkQs